A Woman Scorned...

It has been almost five years and to no avail, we are in the same position. I am fed up. I want peace of mind. I want to smile. I want to be happy. I want to trust. I want to love whole-heartedly. I want to be with a man I'm damn near about to marry. I'm ready for that. I do not want to date. But when is enough, enough?? I am overly tired of feeling like this. And the bad part about it, is that he doesnt even seem to care all that much anymore. If you are a royal screw-up, and you claim to love someone wouldn't you at least want to give them piece of mind? Instead of always coming up with some excuse as to why you are a dawg. I hurt so much. Its not fair. I do not feel like I use too. How can I? There is no way in hell I can trust. NONE... The only thing that keeps coming to mind is all the "I told You So's" All the shit people use to say at CMU. Then he has the nerve to say he cant stand me lol That's funny. Because our relationship wouldn't be fucked up if it wasn't for you. I bet he is going to get pissed because I typed in my blog that nobody ever fucking reads anyways. Its not like I can talk to him. He is like talking to a brick wall. He doesn't listen. or care to listen...or change...so I am not about to overly care to love. Especially after my heart has been broken over a dozen times. He doesn't care. Being an asshole and everything else is more important. I hurt so bad. I need strength to get me out the situation. Love keeps me here, uncertainty..a whole heap of other mess. :-( Why do men think "I'm Sorry" is enough. He does. I haven't seen him yet even attempt to turn it around.. or make it up to me. psssh... So fuck it. You don't care about my feelings, my emotional, mental state. Then you don't give a fuck about me. :-(

The Weight of the World...

It is surely on my shoulders right now. Everything that use to make me comfortable in my life, has come crashing down, and I am seriously struggling within myself. I do not know how to be happy anymore. I trust not one person in my life. I honestly mean that too. As sad as that sounds. It hurts to be thrown into something I am NOT comfortable with, and not have one sole understand why I'm so moody. I honestly could benefit from being by myself...secluded somewhere...but like everything else.. I don't even have that option. I'm here with Jesse, and that way I feel, and the way I act obviously doesn't sit well with him. But I feel like my life is in shambles, and I don't have a sole to trust...so why would I walk around sporting a fake smile.. I'm burnt out. I carry every body Else's issues on my shoulders as well as my own. I'm self conscious about the way I look, my relationships, just about everything In my life. I need to figure things out because I am slowly dying inside...

Friday night :-(

Another wasted Friday night. Oh Lord what has my life come too. My day started off pretty damn good if I might say. I didn't sleep worth shit, but i seem to never do. I had a nightmare last night, and I am embarrassed to even say what it was about. No it wasn't about a monster either lol It had a lot to do with my relationship. I don't feel like talking about it right now though. 

Guess what I got another Job at Kohl's. I feel like I should be so happy about it, but I'm not. I'm just not happy with my life right now. AT ALL. I feel dead inside. Absolutely dead...

I seriously need a vacation or some shit. Something to escape the real world for a few days. Literally for almost a month that I have been in Muskegon, I wanted to cry almost everyday. Jesse & I are suppose to be getting a place within the next few weeks. I should be excited as fuck. I'm way more scared than I am excited. There are soo many unresolved issues in our relationship its not even funny. Everyday its a constant struggle to keep it afloat, and not to add on to the fact that we ARE SO DIFFERENT NOW. Some of our idea's and stuff are way different from one another... So I think we are going to end up bored with each other and that scares me. I feel like I haven't done anything fun in forever!! Don't get me wrong, I LOVE going out to eat. If I could I would everyday, lol but there is just SOMETHING missing. Not mention... these early ass bed times...and he just doesn't get me anymore. I am so unsure of myself right now, and I don't know how he doesn't see that. I sometimes feel lonely, and he is laying right next to me... except the other night. I laid and cried on his chest, and I felt what I haven't felt in a VERY LONG TIME. It felt good inside... I felt good, warm and tingly... and I remembered why I was in love with him. I use to feel that way everyday.... ooh if only I could feel it every second of my life. I don't know how to explain it... I felt....VULNERABLE with him again. I feel sooo closed off...and so DIFFERENT from him lately...and that night I felt vulnerable again. I'm smiling just thinking about it. Then reality hits me again.. I'm up on my Blog while he is across the bed sleep as usual. I have been pissed off and in a bad mood since he got home from work. I sat here all day waiting and wishing he would come home sooner. I put on a nice dress, because he said we were going to finish celebrating, I did my make-up really good. I was genuinely excited for him to come home, and spend the rest of the evening with him. and The first fucking thing he said when he got here was bitching because I had forgot to go get some tissue earlier. (I genuinely forgot and wasn't thinking about it) The only thing he had to say was "You don't listen to me! You need to go downstairs and find me some tissue!" Not once did he even look and say Tia you look pretty or anything like that. He didn't say anything til LATER and the 1st thing out of his mouth was about a damn thong... -__- Like what is it with men... & Then have the nerve to get pissy whenever a dude comments my pics on fb, and I say thank you. I am the type of woman that needs constant validation from him, especially after his history of poor choices. That pissed me OFF!! For the rest of the night...So here we are...he is asleep. I'm sitting here venting on the computer. I cant never talk to him about the way I feel, because he never just sits and listens. EVER. To make a long story short, no we didn't celebrate. As soon as we got home from B-Dubs, he took his clothes off, and got on the computer, so I did the same, and got some Music Therapy.  Same stuff different night. Never any romance, candles, and music anymore... Just argue sleep sex... That little stuff counts ya know... Guess I'll go ahead and try to slip into fantasy land til morning. Until next time!

Peace, Love, & Blessings

Tia Renia...

:-(

I'm laying in bed... And the only thing I really feel like doing right now is climbing out the got damn window and jumping. I am sick of people telling me shii will be ok because all they are doing is lying. I'm in a relationship that hasn't worked in the 4 & half years I've been in it. I have a family who really doesn't exist... I'm basically homeless... I'm dead broke... Teeth falling out my head... And trust me the list could go on and on. Every year it is something new. Every week I have SOME NEW BATTLE. I am sick of it. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and I truly don't know how to fix it. I'm laying here crying, lonely, and downright depressed and nobody not even jesses ass who is laying right next to me truly understand how I feel. (2 be honest I don't think he cares deep down) I put on a front for my friends because I'm always the one who everybody comes too. I'm the one who always seems so strong. Who always seems to have it together and deep down I envy them the most. I never see or hear about them struggling the way I do or facing the issues I do. I'm just tired. I feel like running out this house and walking until I fall out somewhere... I'm feel trapped in my own body. Trapped in my mind. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a fucking room full of people screaming and nobody even fucking notices. I'm sitting here wonderIng if I died today who would truly miss me??? Like seriously. Miserable doesn't even began to cover the way I feel inside. I pray to God eerynight to come into my heart. Please I just want to know you are there. And I never get a word. I feel downright hopeless fake abused misused battered let down hurt sad depressed and everything else. God save me please because I'm drowning in myself and I need to feel you there....

Just an emotional Day...

Idk why I sit around and watch these sad ass shows about babies and shit. All it does is make me feel bad. I've been through a lot that has to do with babies to me. And I feel like its all my fault.. and no body helps with that. It kind of sucks. I watch this teen mom stuff, and wonder....idk...shit just sucks right now!

WOW!

Hey world!! I have a few days off of work, so I am going to put it towards chilling... I got talked into drinking the cheapest shit the other night...and I had the worst hangover ever! Never again, please believe my little ass is going to stick solely to Bacardi :-) Anyways, I am patiently waiting for BMP to email me back about BGC.

So many people ask me why BGC. Well because I have some deeply rooted issues with trusting people. Women in particular. I have been stabbed in the back by bitches so many times, I find myself stabbing them first so I avoid the drama.. && I have this type of attitude that nothing is wrong with me, and my shit DO NOT stink lol...Maybe being around other bitches who have strong personalities too will help me to change that lol hahaha we'll see if I make it :-)

More Bullshit

More bullshit!!! With who? Jesse. I'm too embarrassed to even say what he did. Just know I'm so over him. He clearly can't love me the way he thought he could. Until he can... I'm single as a breeze.

Being a Hooters Girl pt.2

So after work sunday night me, and two of my fellow HG's went out to a club called Tonic. We were def looking fly nshit. One of the girls knew the bouncer at the door, so as long as we wore out hooters name tags, we got in free which we did. We also got our own table in VIP. YESSIR! and we kept getting shout-outs in the club. I was having the time of my life...and I needed the shit...Bitches was hating...but eff them ugly stank bitches...not everybody can be a hooters girl!!! Shit was going good as fuck until we got out and realized the car had been broken into -___- all of our tips and shit was stole! we had put our shit in the trunk, came out...and shit was gone! WTF!!! Luckily i still took my iphone inside!!! cuz all hell would have definitely broke fuggin loose!!! On another note...wtf can I say...I love my Job...

Burnt Out

I would be lying if I wasnt burnt out from this b.s. life of mine. I truly mean that. I want to be happy, I want to have happy relationships, I want to be able to trust the people in my life...and its sad to say I dont have any of that. I am so burnt out from bullshit... I truly need everybody in my life to check their fucking insecurities at the got damn door before fucking with me...because if you dont, I will NOT give two fucks about your bullshit you are trying to put back in my life. Fuck it, and fuck you...until you come correct. I have tried my hardest not to hurt the people I love, and to be nothing but honest with them... If you cant respect that than you can go kick rocks....I really mean that. Im turning into a new person, and I highly doubt people are going to like it. Please believe I am not changing for nobody but myself. I have been hurt & lied to, too many times...and I am over it. Check your shit at the door...otherwise go fuck yourself...and That goes for everybody! :-)

Being a Hooters Girl

So far so good. You feel like a mini celeb. All you have to do is flirt (easy) smile...and be sexy & cute. I have fun doing it. We get to take many pictures...haha..and I am def. going to do the swimsuit competition. Its a good opportunity especially because you can get your tuition re-imbursed. GOOD! :-) My next thing is buying my Mustang...and oh yeah of course BGC! I am going to try out again...I think I did pretty fuckin good last time, so hopefully this time is the charm...we shall see! I'll check back in with you later on my days as a Hooters Girl...

What's Been going on...

So in my last post, I said I was going to fix myself and go find myself a job...Guess what...I did! I am now a hooters girl! whooo hooo!!! I have to say, so far I do enjoy my job! It took me a minute to figure out how to work the computer, but other than that I like it a lot...! I get to take pictures, hula hoop, and walk around and enjoy being cute! Yessir! lol fun

Me & Jesse...hummm we are still doing us... we are not quite to the Will & Jada stage yet but Im trying to take it day by day although I cant stand him lol.

Gotta do this...

I have to find a new approach to finding myself a job...Im going to get up at the crack, and head out to various job places....with my make-up on, and hair did. I tried to today, but my car was E...O_o It was all bad! Im going to go to Hooters, and try to get a job...lol Push my boobies up, and head out over there. You never know, they maybe like GOTDAMN!!! Can you start tonight?! haha although I have never waitressed a day in my life. Its all good. Gotta do what i gotta do to get myself some funds back in my pocket...I need cash to pay off my debts...I need cash to pay for my gas...and I need cash to start saving some... Lord Please help me out!!

Peace, Love, & Blessings
Tia Renia

Just overly Done!!

Since I aparently tell my bog everything, and I dont tell Jesse shit, this 1 is dedicated to you...
He is liar..lol everything I have ever put in my blog, he knows about, why? Cuz most of the time, I bitching about the shit he has done to me...so please tell me Jesse...you dont know what goes on in my life...SHUT UP! If WE dont like to do the same things....then leave me alone...Im so sick of carrying on bullshit!!!

He going to some concert in Detroit. You think he even decided to invite me?? NO...but he isnt wrong for that?? When Im suppose to be his "gf" that no one really knows about...&& always got the nerve to talk about married, and having kids...gtfoh!!! Im so pissed off right now, it aint even funny. Im done...Im burnt out from bullshit! If you cant even see that you were wrong, then kiss my ass. On some real shit. That his problem, it takes him 6 months to finally realize...yeah I was wrong... and he was. I didnt ask him to buy me a got damn ticket or nothing....its the point that just yesterday u was sending me some email talking about you dont like to do anything fun without me....
HA but you going to concert, and you didnt even tell me... sound kinda fishy and fake to me. He is fake. FAKE! That was fake.....Im just done...DONE!!!!

Past few Days...

The fast days were spent in Muskegon with Jesse. As usual, I just left...and didnt say a word to anybody, which is usually exactly what I do. My mama was gone to Vegas...now maybe that she got her 50th birthday outta the way, she can pay off my school stuff...I'm getting real impatient! OAN: My days spent in Muskegon were ok, I didnt want to leave... Esp when I got home, I ended up feeling like shit....as usual. I was literally in tears, kept texting Jesse, he never responded...so I just dealt with it on my own. He always does that when I come back, start back on that not responding shit.....b4 I even get worked up on that bullshit, I'm going to move on from it...Its late, I have a headache, and there are clothes all over my bed...go figure lol I need to clean this shit off...and lay down...maybe my sweet dreams will become a reality...

Grrrr...!

Irritated af! Ima make sure I'm drunk everyday...well at least this weekend... Mad af! Kevin Hart twm.. You know somebody was going to take me...with my friend...but nooo! I was like nope... Jesse wouldnt like that at all...and I'm trying to make it work right with him. Ha...shouldve took the got damn ticket lol cuz now my friend and the dude are still going...and so is jesse ass... Shouldve took the free ticket.....
Right now I'm so pissed off it's not even funny... If I could go live in a igloo by my fucking self that would be great!

ON ANOTHER NOTE: So also tonight...I was hanging with my friend, and she had her guy friend with us, which is fine. I didn't mind, they didnt make me feel like a 3rd wheel lol. AT ALL!! Ya know this guy offered me to work for him...and DAMN was it hard to turn him down, epsecially when he flashing you LOTS of money... Of course it was drug money, but oh so tempting. He was persistent too...The devil seriously tried me on that one. Lord knows I'm no thug or drug dealer, but I am getting just that desperate for some income. I declined still. Don't get it twisted, it was hard decline.. aaah oh well.. I'll continue to be broke O_o AF!!

Angry Thoughts...

I'm pissed off an angry as fuck. I knew it. I gave specific instructions to Jesse...that he BETTER NOT call no bitches he cheated on me with. He did. DONE. Thats all I can say right about now. DONE. You broke the rules...and then had the nerve to call after I called to try to talk to him. You think he answered my call....nope or my message. I am beyond upset. Not even all that hurt. Just more so upset, and I CANNOT do it no more. idgaf if that bitches mama died....thats not our concern. 1thing for sure, her fucking mama didnt die, you were just calling to be Jesse. Do you then...thats all I got to say. But I am going to do me also. You can't hurt me, and then break the fucking rules...gtfoh. Yall should see this ugly strong faced hoes...like seriously...its pretty funny. I must need a strong ass face to keep him in check o_O aah o well..it is, what it is. It's thursday...Im getting ready to get my hair did, and I am going to find me some fun to get into..!!!

My Constant wondering Mind...

Its another late night for me. Its almost 3am Eastern Time. Im up alone, and lonely... I can't say that much has happened for me the past few days. Still the same ole same ole. I just feel like I'm living a life that definitely inst for me, and it kind of sucks.. :-/ I have no choice but to continue to be patient...I guess...

 Wish Jesse was with me right now...But he is kind of wrapped up in his own life right now which is fine I guess... Although if I had my way we'd be around each other ALL the time. I love being near him just that much. I really do. I think he gets tired of me after awhile though...lol

I had a conversation with my mother again...and she had all types of plans to buy all this stuff, and not once did she mention paying my school bill that was suppose to have been payed 3 years ago. I am getting so upset about it that I could cry. Thats just how bad I am ready to stop playing around at these wack ass Community Colleges, and finish up at a University. Jesse dont get it either, he wants me to go do a 9month type of program at a medical school or something, but that is NOT what I want to do with my life. I dont see him going to school for something he didnt want to do, so why the hell should I? At the same time....I don't have anything else to do, and I am frustrated about it. It sucks that I can't just go t another school, and finish. They wont let me without my transcripts from CMU. :-( arrgghh!! I truly am just stuck....with no job, no money, no nothing...and I am stone cold miserable... and I mean every bit of that. Everybody keeps telling me not to worry, to pray to GOD about it, etc. And I have, and I still wake up feeling like a failure, and that is NOT a good feeling. I just want to go to school......and I can't. So yep, I'm miserable. I have been looking for a job for months....I really am in a slump lol...Shit sucks major donkey balls too...!! Well I am totally sick all of a sudden so I am going to go find some TheraFlu and call it night...!!

Peace, Love, & Blessings...

Tia Renia

Undesirable...

What can I say, I still don't feel secure at all in this relationship, but why would I? Much hasnt changed to me. Dont get me wrong, There is an effort to be nicer on both of our parts but thats about it. Sometimes I feel so undesirable...like I'm not up to HIS standards....you know I really havent met ANYBODY outside of his family....ever...and we've been talking for over 4 years at this point...I really just dont feel sexy to him anymore... I dont see the same type of passion in his eyes.....but ya know what, whatever......maybe I'm just being insecure. :-/

More Late Night Thoughts...

Sitting up in my bed bored as hell!! I wish I could get out with some friends, throw a few shots back, and just enjoy being young...Hell Im only 22...I need to live life to the fullest! Jesse came down last night, and left early this morning. Idk when the next time I am going to see him...but it is what it is... I still don't trust him at all...But maybe in time...Trust is to be earned...soo we'll see if he has what it takes...

Idk...lol I just DONT trust him, but I have to say I would be crazy as fuck if I did...Thats just how close he was to losing me forever..

On Another Note.. I'm still on my job search, and I still havent had any luck. I swear I am about to sell drugs or something... Because this job shit is pissing me the fuck off! I hate it!! Still waiting on my mama to pay CMU off so I can go back...I'm just stuck right now... and that feeling is the WORSE feeling ever right now...It makes me angry, bitter, and sometimes quite violent...ugh! I swear GOD does not hear my cries... :-/ I have no choice but to keep waiting...& waiting..

Soo its going on 2am..and yes I am still woke. My left eye is extremely swollen..It looks like I lost a fight lol..of course that shit didnt happen, but I do have a painful stye on my eye...again! and when I say, its HURTS! And then on top of that...Im lonely...I'm sick of being alone, and I am horny... Bad combination...I miss the days when we made love all day. I swear its be like 3 yrs since we did some shit like that...I want that passion back...!! But he always seem so tired, or plain like he aint interested no more :-/ Idk...I have soo much shit on my mind lately...and I am so upset with the way things are... Humm...I kind of feel dumb for wanting around with school and stuff, but what choice do I have. 

1. still owe cmu money

2. I want to be with Jesse...and as usual...its about him, & where he ends up getting a job, so it aint like I can just pick a school & go...I have to wait til he finds a job..(personally i think he is being too damn picky.....but you cant tell him  shit...without an attitude UGH!!!!!)

well my eyes are getting heavy...hopefully I can get more sleep tonight than I did last night...half of my face hurting...lol goodnight world! :-)

Peace, Love, & Blessings

Tia Renia

HELLO WORLD!!

Another day...humm.... You can say I am in a better mood..I am back to my old antics & pranks...haha with my right hand chick Arie...I only mess with people I DO NOT LIKE though...especially this one lame ugly ass bitch... I hate her, simply because she is a bitch...and she is fucking ugly!! but anywho..

Jesse & I seem to be ok right now. Can't lie & say I trust him yet...because I dont. Especially with ugly tramps lingering around...but I'm not even going to go there right now...he just better not let them bitches in ever again...i dont give a fuck if they call crying cuz they mama died...

on another note: I cannot wait for spring, I am so sick of this wack ass snow, and cold weather. All it does is put people in bad moods...

Late Night Insecurities...

Im up again...its going on 3am.. I can't sleep. I'm actually not sleepy at all :-/ I have a lot on my mind as usual. Work, school, Jesse..family, God..everything. I can't sleep with all this mess on my head, and plus I got a headache. I hate being up, because my thoughts usually get the best of me. Its times like that, when I get upset all over again about the past, times like this when I start thinking I'm being cheated on AGAIN... I just cannot seem to get peace of mind...ugh! Trust me..it sucks... I see why some people just say fuck it...and be whore-mongers for their entire lives.... I'm sure its less nerve racking than being cheated on multiple times, and still trying to make it work. Lord forgive me for still having so much resentment & animosity in my heart, but I swear there are times I feel like straight snapping his neck for what he put me through...and dont get me started on me EVER running into those bitches...

On Another Note: I still have no job, I am still not in school. I want to find a online program to get a quick certificate in. I DO NOT want to take campus classes...That will prohibit me from moving away sooner, and trust me when I say, this place is killing me! I hate it here every second... Maybe it would be better if I got at least 1 gotdamn call-back for a job or something...but even when I call them, I get nothing...nothing at all..and its so depressing...I see why people turn to selling drugs...At least they out there bringing in some sort of income...hell even Mcdonalds aint call back. This is bullshit....truly bullshit...humm... I think I need to move to Canada..lol

Love Pisses me off!

One minute you hate somebody, then you love them...I feel so stupid! But at the same time...I dont really care, because Im just not ready to let go of him, because I love him just that much, and I am to the point of not caring wtf people think either. I love that boy. && and I pray he loves me... I sit up and wonder if he thinks about me as much as I do. He is always on my mind. Things about the future, things I want now, things I pray for, both for me as well as him. I feel like I need him...Soo much, but I need a lot of other stuff too. Like I said, constant reassurance that I am the only one...its time for the public relationship...I need that. I need to feel secure, and not like I'm some secret from the world. I want to tell the world just how much he means to me, but I wont do that if I dont get it in return...

humm...Valentines Day was good. We really werent going to spend the day together, but I drove down, because I needed to see him, and be with him just that bad. I am on the recovery to being a better person...a nicer person...a sweeter person...and generally happier person...For myself, as well as other. I am sure it will take time to fully be all that and more, but I am positive in time it will happen. As long as he is willing to support me, and make me feel special, and like I FINALLY matter, I think the future will hold positive things...

Hahaha on another note...while Me & Prince (my pom) were down visiting....The funniest thing happened. I was having a conversation with Jesse while he took a hot bath...and we left Prince in the room. Jesse had just got home from work, with a hot pizza from him favorite pizza place called Scribs. I dont know why he left the pizza out on the bed...big mistake..!! I had went in the room to check on Prince once while we were talking, and the pizza was still there...in the matter of the next ten minutes...while he got out the tub, and we went back into the room, the pizza was completely distroyed!!! haha I thought he was going to kill my poochie pooch! It was soo damn funny though!! He already cant stand the fact that I got a dog, and now he ate his beloved Scribs...man oh man....funny shit!! lmbo! karma comes back in weird ways hahaha...cuz that shit was EPIC!

well world...Im outta here...and going to sleep!! & I doubt he reads this...but I love ya...!

Peace, Love, & Blessings...
Tia Renia

Mixed Emotions...

I have so many mixed emotions right now...I dont know how to cope. I truly don't. I dont know if my mind, body, & soul is ready for all the demands of a relationship.. I need so much, that I honestly think no man can conquer. I need constant validation that it is just me, I need constant love, attention, and affection. I need a way to know I am not being messed around on, and I cant get that without being in somebodies face 24/7. I have been through ALOT... And I still hurt soo bad from all of it. The shit just wont leave me alone. I hurt so much still. Can you help heal my wounds & insecurities instead of neglecting them...I need that. I am so scared of trying again. I am terrified. I am to a point where I am afraid of love, as bad as I want to feel it. Love hurts though. I need to feel like its me. & Only me. And I still don't. Idk what to do or how to do...and I honestly do not think I am being needy. This is what happens when people are hurt like this. I want to love, I want to Live worry free, I want to do all of that but why can't I? I know things take time, but at the same time, living worried is not healthy either. I need to figure out a way to solve this, and fast...or else I will never get better..


So I just got in not too long ago... I was out with friends... Once again I couldn't fully enjoy myself. I missed him so much! I'd much rather had been with him. I love Jesse. Fuck what people have to say or think. I want to be with him. And that's that...

:-)

Up Late at night watching TEEN MOM...It seriously couldnt be. & I truly applaud these girls...well some of them for taking care of their kids... As usual, its going to be a late night for me, but what else is new. Im kind of upset right now though. I hate when people just STOP messaging you for nothing. Kind of irritating...and he knows it...but whatever... anywho...Today was a better day than the past few... So I cant complain too much! && I'm happy for that!

The Month of February...

Well its February...HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH!! We got played...giving us the shortest month out of the year, lol...but its all good. Valentines Day is next monday...who's excited??! lol Im not...Its one of those Taboo holidays...I mean dont get me wrong, I like it..but I never really did anything for the day... Can't lie, the perfect gift would be pink roses, a teddy, and an edible arrangement...of course Hello Kitty is PERFECT too... but anyways...Its another late night for me. I cant sleep. Which is usually the case. Just up thinking... I have the slightest idea how to move forward with my life...and Its so frustrating because life is too short to sit around waiting! But what can I do?? Cant find a job to save money to move...Cant go back to school, because I owe them so much. Ugh! Im stuck between a rock & a hard place, and it sucks! Because my circumstances are slowly killing me... oh what to do...what to do....

CRISIS!!

Going through such a crisis right now! I dont have the slightest idea what to do about school right now.. I want to go back so bad. But I owe my past university 6000...soo I cant go ANYWHERE right now because they wont allow me in without my transcripts. This sucks!! This was before I was ever able to get student loans, because my mama made too much, and she failed to pay off my account. I then was able to file independent, but I still can't go to school anywhere with that account like that, so Im stuck. IT SUCKS!!!

Well...

So I went out last night. It was ok. I danced a lot... Saw a lot of people I knew. I had a little fun.. But it wasnt all that. The only thing I kept thinking about was my ex.... I dont wanna care about him, I dont wanna think about him. The whole time, I was thinking, How come we can never have fun like this... Ya Know..just spend a night out on the town...out hanging out...food later...&& Wii. I wanted that from him soo bad, and NEVER got it :-( He never wanted to do anything fun with me hardly that I LIKED to do. Im so tired of thinking about him...It is physically draining. But I guess in time, I'll learn not to care. I must say though, I did look nice last night lol... But I wish I felt the way I looked.. :-/ Everytime I think about him, I get upset and want to call and cuss him out... EVERYTIME...wth would that solve though? He'd still be selfish, he'd still be the SAME man. Anyways...Its super bowl sunday... I was invited to two different parties. I have no desire to really go too...But we'll see how it goes...

......!!!!

I hate when people pretend to be the victim in situations... Are you kidding me? lol...I cant even lie Im mad again..but with a smile on my face. This nigga....talking about what have you did Tia to mess our relationship up...haha lemme be honest
I went on a weak ass date with somebody that I dont give two fucks about. && to be honest...It didnt even feel like a real ass date. We was at applebee's with my cousin Arie..chillin..and he paid... would that really be called a date??

Humm Lets see... I also way back in like 08' I invited a highschool friend to my apartment. He was my highschool crush. Umm he was there for like 20 minutes...Nothing happened.

I Text a few people...That I do. I mean, Im not going to lie...I have shared a few naked pics with my girlfriends...thats like the worse shit I have ever done to this kid. Its ridiculous. I called the police on him once...but what do you expect when you put your hands on me. I havent done anything to him!!! What an idiot. I dont even feel comfortable disclosing all the shit he has ever done to me...lol like on some real shit...He dont know how much I loved him. I was willing to put up with all his shit...and he still dont care...but its all good.... He is done after this last conversation.. If he doesnt care about my feelings, then he dont care about me...

Over & Done... :-)

Well I woke up today in a better mood. The sun is shining bright...washed & did my hair.. I feel better today. I however did wake up, hoping to see a message from my ex. There wasnt one. As I was washing my hair...it gave me time to reflect... I need to stop giving him so much power. I will never get over him and move on, if I keep on expecting things from him. Expecting him to change, expecting messages, expecting the love I desire...mainly from him. Its not fair to myself. I have to MOVE ON! He wanted to end it, so I need to let it be, and stop putting myself in these predicaments. I need to stop talking to him. I need to stop wishing, praying, and hoping that some shit will change. I need to move on, and let it go. For my own well-being. As hard as it will be, it'll be better for myself in the long run. I need to worry about me, since he is obviously worrying about himself. I need to realize I will be ok...I will make it.. and I am worth much more than feeling like this over a person who doesnt feel the same. I loved hard...and learned a lot from it... and Today I realized, I'll be ok...

In Time

Everyday I wake up, and pray and hope that I will fee better from the day before. Why does love make you feel this way. This is that BULLSHIT! When will I wake up, and not feel angry anymore... I'm mad at myself, I'm mad because he doesnt seem to give a shit, I'm just flat out mad. Then last night, my own mama didnt make me feel any better, putting her nose in business that she dont shit about. But you know what...once I am gone, I won't have to listen anymore! Boy let me tell...moving BACK home was the worst decision ever, and deciding to stay so long was the worst decision ever. I feel like I enabled his bullshit behavior by staying. Don't get me wrong, its not my fault...but I feel dumb because I let him get away with everything... I need to figure some shit out...like right now!! Because...this whole break-up shit is wearing me down. He know damn well this break-up was from him...Stop trying to pretend like its ME who needs relationship counseling....I know how to act if only you treated me friggin well...and stop cheating & shit! UGH!!!! IM SO MAD!!!!!!

On another Note... I need to figure out a way to make some money like now! Before I move. I can't go anywhere with out some funds...but I stay in the worst possible state ever, where employment is close to non-existent... It really sucks here... So on top of being screwed over by people I Love, I have been looking for a job for the past few months in a depressing ass state like Michigan.. I mean damn..If I gotta be broke, can I at least be broke by the beach...lol Then maybe I could at least have some fun while Im broke...SMH...I have family, and 1 friend in California. I wasnt close to the family there, and the friend there is a guy -__- I dont even want to put myself in a position like that right now! Cuz just being friends with men,is damn near impossible inless they are gay...so he is out of the question...lol ugh!! I pray & hope tomorrow I wake up, and feel better....

Peace, Love, & Blessings...

Tia Renia

Getting Over An Ex...

Perhaps nothing is ever quite as painful as getting over your first love. It's not just any old break-up; this is the boy/girl who taught you what it means to fall in love. You thought you'd spend the rest of your lives together. You made plans for the future to live together or go to college together. You have loads of jokes and memories of the time you spent together. Now that it's over, you're scared that you'll never find anyone to ever replace them, or maybe you're just afraid that you wont ever be as happy with someone else. Here are some tips to help you get over it.

My EX:

1.Cut off all communication with him!

HAS TO BE THE HARDEST STEP! IT FEELS LIKE I'M LOSING THE BEST FRIEND I HAVE EVER HAD. I KNOW THAT WE CANT BE FRIENDS...WHILE I AM TRYING TO GET OVER HIM. WHY DONT HE GET THAT??

2. Don't hook up with him!

THIS TIES INTO THE FIRST ONE! WHICH IS WHY I TOLD HIM...NO I WASNT GOING TO CHICAGO WITH YOU. ALL THAT WOULD DO IS MAKE ME MORE CONFUSED ABOUT THE SITUATION, AND I DONT HAVE TIME FOR THAT.

3. Recall why we broke up, and what it is that I hate about him.

HE KEPT ON CHEATING ON ME. I NEED TO STOP JUSTIFYING IT, AND REALIZE I CAN FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES ME AND WOULD NEVER BE UNFAITHFUL TO ME.

4. Realize that just because this relationship is over, it doesnt mean I'll never find love again.

I AM SURE THAT GETTING OVER HIM WILL BE HARD, BUT STATISTICS SAY I WILL DEFINITELY FIND A GREATER LOVE IN TIME.

5. Cry!

IT IS OK TO CRY TIA. I USUALLY FEEL KIND OF BETTER AFTER I DO.

6. Use this break-up to become the person I've always wanted to be!

ITS TIME FOR ME TO TAKE UP A NEW SKILL, FINISH SCHOOL, GET THAT PORTFOLIO DONE, PARTY!, AND MOVE TO CALIFORNIA...IF HE DIDNT WANT TO BE APART OF THAT, THEN IT WAS HIS FAULT, NOT MINE!!

7. Dont fill up the ipod with sad ass songs!

STOP LISTENING TO KEM OVER & OVER AGAIN!! LOL

8. Do anything I can to make myself "feel" desirable.

ALWAYS WANTED TO GET PROFESSIONALLY MADE UP. GET MY HAIR DID, START DRESSING UP MORE..AND ENJOY BEING BEAUTIFUL AGAIN..

9. Endure the pain & loneliness bravely!

WITH TIME, MY PAIN WILL HEAL.. I AM A STRONG PERSON..SO I WILL NOT LET THIS TAKE ME DOWN.

Always remember that you're better off without him/her because someone who you thought loved you who leaves isn't worth your tears or pain... "Never cry for someone that will never cry for you."

OOk...Whats done is done. I personally feel like he made his bed...Now he must lay in it. I gave he so many opportunities to do right by me, and not once did her ever...do just that. That isnt love, and I have to get that through my head. He hurt me because he blatantly didnt have any respect for me period. Right now...I cant lie I am very angry still at this moment. I can't even began to describe how I feel, and I am taking it out on everything & everybody. I dont want to do that anymore. I am beautiful person, who has a beautiful soul... and deep in my heart I know I am a good person. I just got the bad end of the deal. He was a serial cheater... He cheated multiple times, which meant he didnt give a fuck about my feelings, he didnt give a fuck about how I would feel, he flat out didnt give two fucks about me period. He didnt. Plus he lies about everything. So no...He doesnt deserve to be with me. He doesnt deserve me at all. I personally think, he may need to help, because thats some downright grimey ass, heartless shit. But ya know what.. in time...I will be over him. I will love hard again, and I will happy in a relationship so much more fulfilling than the one I just got out of. HIS LOST!

Ugh...

Why the fuck are break-ups sp fucking hard?? && why in the hell do men think that we can go back to being friends..?? Umm NO! It doesnt work that gotdamn way! UGH!! If you wanna be done, then leave me the fuck alone! I know damn well u heard the Trey Songz song as well as Deborah Cox..no muthafucka we cant be friends..... simple as that! MEN..boy I tell you...I see why more & more bitches are bi-sexual or gay lol....on some real shit..

What a waste...

So much going on in my life right now...Idk how I havent ripped the hair out of my head thus far! lol.... Right now...I am going through this stage in my life called.... a woman scorned...Im pissed way off that I wasted four years of my fucking life...waiting for some nigga to get they shit together...wtf was I thinking?!!! Now I could blame all of it on him...but then that would be untrue....cuz I decided to stay and deal with his bull shit... This nigga had the nerve to tell me....he wanted to be alone, and learn to deal with his self...are you fucking kidding me?? You made me waste 4 years of my life for some bullshit like that!! I guess you can say I am very pissed off at him right now... Then gonna say we probably get back together in the future....Umm wrong....kiss my ass! I am going to cut him completely off..and move forward. I dont want to know shit about whats going on in your life...and you dont need to know shit about whats going on in mine... I am going to go all the way to California...and hopefully forget you... I am just soo fucking angry that I wasted my fucking time on him... It aint like time is one of those things you can get back... Bitch ass....ugh!!!! I AM SO MAD!

Love Is...

The Undeniable feeling, force of emotions that bombard our hearts multiple times within our short lives...It has to be THE most powerful emotion ever...When love is good, the feeling is great. Truly can't be described. The feeling of wholeness & security...It does feel damn good. Why is it that we get confused during a relationship, mistaking being comfortable, with being in love.. I'm a firm believer of the fact that Love isnt suppose to hurt. Love is Honest, Trustworthy, & Faithful.

Honesty: Be Honest with every person you love..Anybody can respect a person who's honest...Even if the truth does hurt..

Trustworthy: You should be able to trust that person or whomever with your life...Enough Said.

Faithful: Never Betray the one you love. Once you do, your relationship will never be the same...ever.

I can admit, I have trouble with love. I love  people who dont seem to return it as much as I give it out.

I love my family, God know's I do, but they seriously got some tough love. Very Tough. I can probably count the number of times on one hand that we ever vocally expressed our love for one another.

LOL once puberty hit though, I thought I finally found out what love was.. Ya know the butterflies in your stomach type of feeling...Puppy love is what that was..haha its funny now, but dammit it wasnt funny back then. I truly thought I was love with this one guy from my neighborhood...boy let me tell you, I had it rough...lol I think I can honestly say that was my first unofficial boyfriend...lol even if we did keep our likeness for one another a secret...lol...

Then came time for college...and I got hit HARD! My 1st & Only OFFICIAL relationship...Let me tell you..I thought he could walk on water... I didnt care what he did..nothing else mattered but my love for him...& his love for me...smh... I can't lie though the feeling that I felt was the best feeling ever.... How do you get back to that feeling?

How? How? How?

Oh how I want to feel that way again....All I feel now is bullshit, lies, and whole heap of other shit. I thought love wasnt suppose to hurt? How do I make each day feel good again. I wanna feel the love, I need to feel it, I yearn to feel it..

Why does it feel like we're in the comfortable stage...Ya know the one, where you just stay in the relationship, just because its comfortable.. I dont want that. I wanna smile & know I'm the only one like I use too... I wanna be loved, feel love & love hard again.

LOVE...

That powerful emotion that makes you do the most craziest things & when it feels good... It feels damn good...but when it hurts, it feels like somebody died.

LOVE...

I want to be able to love hard again..Lord Help me Love hard again.

I have to admit...Right now everything that has to do with love in my life seems hopeless...Like a bottomless pit...

You can call me wrong, but when I know a person is lying to me, its kind of impossible for me to move forward. Friends, Family significant others, it doesnt matter. I cant love a person 100% who cant be honest with me.

Why is that? Why do people lie? Why is it that they always blame shit on some sort of coincidence. God knows I lie too...but whenever I get caught, I tell the truth...Why? Because secrets are lethal. And they hurt a lot worse when they creep out of no where.

All I want is to feel alive again...Why Cant I feel that? WHY? I'll tell you why, Lies & Love dont mix...They never will.

Trust... One Must trust the people they love. You should know everyday that nothing can come between the two of you, because you trust that person wholeheartedly.

God I have to ask you, why is it everytime I turn around I am finding out that the people that I love and trust cant be trusted? Why is that? Hummm...

I consider myself a strong person. However nothing has made me drop more tears than love itself. UGH! What a horrible feeling!

Love isnt suppose to hurt right? WRONG! It does..It really truly does..I want to love hard again, but if I do I risk falling many more tears again....Thats some unfair shit. Mankind aint shit..That 1 thing is obvious & marriage is a crock of crap too...people dont love the way they use too...

I do...I just want somebody to love me back wholeheartedly too..

So lets talk some GAME...

Man oh man...I cant even lie the last few episodes of the GAME has definitely left me intrigued. I dont think men like that exist. (Derwin) He messed up once, and he has been the best man to that silly girl Melanie ever since. Damn..where are the Derwins of the world! lol THEY DONT EXIST!! HAHA They really don't though..humm..


Now on the last nights episode of The Bad Girls Club. That heffa Nikki be doing way too much! Like bitch sit yo ass down. It seem like she acting just for cameras...and its super annoying. So far, I gotta say my favs are Char, Jessica & Sydney. Jessica is plain funny as hell...lol and Char..she seems so real. Sydney seems like that too right now, and I can like & respect a bitch like that on some real shit. I can't stand them fake dumb ass hoes... Kori is ok. I haven't made a decision on her yet. Can't say I like her, Can't say I dislike her either. Im too happy THE GAME & BGC6 are on right now... Got something to keep me sane...!! Until next time..


Peace, Love, & Blessings...

A refreshed outlook...

Man these past few days have been hell!! But I have decided not caring is always the best option. I was on my twitter page a few minutes ago... Why the f*ck do people take sh*t so seriously on there... Like get a life! Its twitter! People can say wtf they want too! If you dont like what a person is saying, block they ass and move on!!! LOL with that off my chest...I am excited to be planning on moving out of wack ass MICHIGAN...which is where I reside...and let me tell you this place sucks!!! I am moving to California soon! I cannot effin wait to get the hell outta here, and spread my wings for real...!!!

Sooo last night was the premier of BGC season 6. This season looks good as hell...Can't even lie!! Im kind of disappointed in Jade for leaving so soon! It pisses me off when people sign up for the show, just to leave. You could have NOT signed up, and gave that spot to somebody who ACTUALLY wanted the experience... What a waste of space.... If she was going to go home, she could have at least went out Knocking a bitch out... But oh well...to each its own :-)

Tonight is the Premiere of THE GAME! Yes!!!!! I am excited about this as well! It was ABOUT TIME! I so excited... because I'm half way in love with Pooch...hahaha..Thats a fine ass brotha...and idc that he is married....I really dont...! Guess thats the bad girl in me hehe...but on that note...Im outta here!

Peace, Love, & Blessings

Tia Renia

A VERY Long day..

I didn't even want to get outta of bed this morning. I need to find out where the hell my damn motivation went... Like seriously... Now an invitation to go get some dinner, definitely got me off my ass. haha... Which was a good thing. I needed to get out. Finally purchased myself the Michael Jackson game. FUN! YES!! That definitely brightened my day...I got a message from ex... I didn't even bother to answer back. I figured being silent is the best thing to do.. I can't keep letting him know how I feel. He knows...and he hasn't stepped up to change it, so I'm not about to let him in my life til he stop with the bull...and be a real man to me... && If I happen to fall outta love in the process, then his loss. I'm not the one who messed up! Anyways...so I played the game... a GREAT work-out! Had me in my basement sweating! LOL... This is the first game i've invested in, with my wii. Thats a shame, I've had the damn thing for a year, and never bought any games.. haha. Well when I move to California in the next few months, I'll definitely have something to do til I find some new friends there. I definitely recommend getting it, if you wanna sweat a little. Well on that note world, Im outta here!


Peace, Love, & Blessings...Tia Renia..

To Listen or Not To Listen...

Idk if its GOD speaking to me through another source or not. But its pretty funny, that I just had this huge blow up with my ex...and then somebody adds me on facebook, and we having a genuine friendly conversation...and my ex comes up because they're from the same city. Humm ok... and proceeds to continue talking, about how he was been hoeing around the city he lives...and I was set-up. wow...ok... I am comfortable telling this information because I kind of suspected that from the beginning. All I can say is Thank You God. Because my informant wasnt rude, disrespectful, I dont even think he cursed once.. But finding out info like that is just funny to me... Men...so sloppy...

Life's Lesson's

After coming to terms with a few things...I've learned over the years that some stuff just cant be forced. A relationship is one of them.. You can love a person all day and all night long...but once they hurt you...(multiple times in my case) you are constantly on guard. My question is...how do you learn to let go of your pain? I for 1...hold the pain inside my heart, and it is definitely self-destructing me. In my case, I was in love/am still in love..(cant lie) with a man who doesn't understand the severity of the pain he caused me. He doesn't, understand the pain I go through being with him.. The reason behind the things I do. Thinking I act out... I act out, and the only time I feel he actually listened or cared was when I did act out. Why is it men don't listen to you until you act out? Or maybe it was my fault... I did let him get away with murder...so I probably did bring a lot of hell onto my self. Why is it though, that woman end up suffering so much more than men. Men carry on with their lives... Woman linger on. I guess that's why we got the whole idea of, woman loving a whole lot harder than men. Maybe if we as women learned to live our lives out as men...our hearts wouldn't be broken nearly as much... hummm

My Perspective on Why Relationships fail...

After seeing so many relationships fail with people, and as well as why my own off & on relationship has failed, is based solely on being honest. Once you decide to love another person, and give your heart to them, you are making a promise to protect it, and be open honest with that person you are sharing it with. I have always noticed that people will lie, even with the truth staring them back in the face. When in many cases...no matter how bad or how good, a person can truly respect a person who is honest with them. I know I CAN...but time & time again, the people I love continue to lie to me.. Straight in my face, like I dont know. That has ruined many relationships in my life, as well as other people's lives that I know. How can a person continue on in a successful relationship when your partner lies about absolutely everything. If a person is going to lie about something small, you better believe they are going to lie about something big as well. If people can come into a relationship, open and honest from the beginning there would be a lot less people hurt, wounded, and battered by unsuccessful relationships. Take it from me...please be honest with your partner... You will save yourself as well as your partner a lot less heartache and un-needed stress!

Love & Blessings.. Tia Renia...