More Late Night Thoughts...

Sitting up in my bed bored as hell!! I wish I could get out with some friends, throw a few shots back, and just enjoy being young...Hell Im only 22...I need to live life to the fullest! Jesse came down last night, and left early this morning. Idk when the next time I am going to see him...but it is what it is... I still don't trust him at all...But maybe in time...Trust is to be earned...soo we'll see if he has what it takes...

Idk...lol I just DONT trust him, but I have to say I would be crazy as fuck if I did...Thats just how close he was to losing me forever..

On Another Note.. I'm still on my job search, and I still havent had any luck. I swear I am about to sell drugs or something... Because this job shit is pissing me the fuck off! I hate it!! Still waiting on my mama to pay CMU off so I can go back...I'm just stuck right now... and that feeling is the WORSE feeling ever right now...It makes me angry, bitter, and sometimes quite violent...ugh! I swear GOD does not hear my cries... :-/ I have no choice but to keep waiting...& waiting..

Soo its going on 2am..and yes I am still woke. My left eye is extremely swollen..It looks like I lost a fight lol..of course that shit didnt happen, but I do have a painful stye on my eye...again! and when I say, its HURTS! And then on top of that...Im lonely...I'm sick of being alone, and I am horny... Bad combination...I miss the days when we made love all day. I swear its be like 3 yrs since we did some shit like that...I want that passion back...!! But he always seem so tired, or plain like he aint interested no more :-/ Idk...I have soo much shit on my mind lately...and I am so upset with the way things are... Humm...I kind of feel dumb for wanting around with school and stuff, but what choice do I have. 

1. still owe cmu money

2. I want to be with Jesse...and as usual...its about him, & where he ends up getting a job, so it aint like I can just pick a school & go...I have to wait til he finds a job..(personally i think he is being too damn picky.....but you cant tell him  shit...without an attitude UGH!!!!!)

well my eyes are getting heavy...hopefully I can get more sleep tonight than I did last night...half of my face hurting...lol goodnight world! :-)

Peace, Love, & Blessings

Tia Renia

HELLO WORLD!!

Another day...humm.... You can say I am in a better mood..I am back to my old antics & pranks...haha with my right hand chick Arie...I only mess with people I DO NOT LIKE though...especially this one lame ugly ass bitch... I hate her, simply because she is a bitch...and she is fucking ugly!! but anywho..

Jesse & I seem to be ok right now. Can't lie & say I trust him yet...because I dont. Especially with ugly tramps lingering around...but I'm not even going to go there right now...he just better not let them bitches in ever again...i dont give a fuck if they call crying cuz they mama died...

on another note: I cannot wait for spring, I am so sick of this wack ass snow, and cold weather. All it does is put people in bad moods...

Late Night Insecurities...

Im up again...its going on 3am.. I can't sleep. I'm actually not sleepy at all :-/ I have a lot on my mind as usual. Work, school, Jesse..family, God..everything. I can't sleep with all this mess on my head, and plus I got a headache. I hate being up, because my thoughts usually get the best of me. Its times like that, when I get upset all over again about the past, times like this when I start thinking I'm being cheated on AGAIN... I just cannot seem to get peace of mind...ugh! Trust me..it sucks... I see why some people just say fuck it...and be whore-mongers for their entire lives.... I'm sure its less nerve racking than being cheated on multiple times, and still trying to make it work. Lord forgive me for still having so much resentment & animosity in my heart, but I swear there are times I feel like straight snapping his neck for what he put me through...and dont get me started on me EVER running into those bitches...

On Another Note: I still have no job, I am still not in school. I want to find a online program to get a quick certificate in. I DO NOT want to take campus classes...That will prohibit me from moving away sooner, and trust me when I say, this place is killing me! I hate it here every second... Maybe it would be better if I got at least 1 gotdamn call-back for a job or something...but even when I call them, I get nothing...nothing at all..and its so depressing...I see why people turn to selling drugs...At least they out there bringing in some sort of income...hell even Mcdonalds aint call back. This is bullshit....truly bullshit...humm... I think I need to move to Canada..lol

Love Pisses me off!

One minute you hate somebody, then you love them...I feel so stupid! But at the same time...I dont really care, because Im just not ready to let go of him, because I love him just that much, and I am to the point of not caring wtf people think either. I love that boy. && and I pray he loves me... I sit up and wonder if he thinks about me as much as I do. He is always on my mind. Things about the future, things I want now, things I pray for, both for me as well as him. I feel like I need him...Soo much, but I need a lot of other stuff too. Like I said, constant reassurance that I am the only one...its time for the public relationship...I need that. I need to feel secure, and not like I'm some secret from the world. I want to tell the world just how much he means to me, but I wont do that if I dont get it in return...

humm...Valentines Day was good. We really werent going to spend the day together, but I drove down, because I needed to see him, and be with him just that bad. I am on the recovery to being a better person...a nicer person...a sweeter person...and generally happier person...For myself, as well as other. I am sure it will take time to fully be all that and more, but I am positive in time it will happen. As long as he is willing to support me, and make me feel special, and like I FINALLY matter, I think the future will hold positive things...

Hahaha on another note...while Me & Prince (my pom) were down visiting....The funniest thing happened. I was having a conversation with Jesse while he took a hot bath...and we left Prince in the room. Jesse had just got home from work, with a hot pizza from him favorite pizza place called Scribs. I dont know why he left the pizza out on the bed...big mistake..!! I had went in the room to check on Prince once while we were talking, and the pizza was still there...in the matter of the next ten minutes...while he got out the tub, and we went back into the room, the pizza was completely distroyed!!! haha I thought he was going to kill my poochie pooch! It was soo damn funny though!! He already cant stand the fact that I got a dog, and now he ate his beloved Scribs...man oh man....funny shit!! lmbo! karma comes back in weird ways hahaha...cuz that shit was EPIC!

well world...Im outta here...and going to sleep!! & I doubt he reads this...but I love ya...!

Peace, Love, & Blessings...
Tia Renia

Mixed Emotions...

I have so many mixed emotions right now...I dont know how to cope. I truly don't. I dont know if my mind, body, & soul is ready for all the demands of a relationship.. I need so much, that I honestly think no man can conquer. I need constant validation that it is just me, I need constant love, attention, and affection. I need a way to know I am not being messed around on, and I cant get that without being in somebodies face 24/7. I have been through ALOT... And I still hurt soo bad from all of it. The shit just wont leave me alone. I hurt so much still. Can you help heal my wounds & insecurities instead of neglecting them...I need that. I am so scared of trying again. I am terrified. I am to a point where I am afraid of love, as bad as I want to feel it. Love hurts though. I need to feel like its me. & Only me. And I still don't. Idk what to do or how to do...and I honestly do not think I am being needy. This is what happens when people are hurt like this. I want to love, I want to Live worry free, I want to do all of that but why can't I? I know things take time, but at the same time, living worried is not healthy either. I need to figure out a way to solve this, and fast...or else I will never get better..


So I just got in not too long ago... I was out with friends... Once again I couldn't fully enjoy myself. I missed him so much! I'd much rather had been with him. I love Jesse. Fuck what people have to say or think. I want to be with him. And that's that...

:-)

Up Late at night watching TEEN MOM...It seriously couldnt be. & I truly applaud these girls...well some of them for taking care of their kids... As usual, its going to be a late night for me, but what else is new. Im kind of upset right now though. I hate when people just STOP messaging you for nothing. Kind of irritating...and he knows it...but whatever... anywho...Today was a better day than the past few... So I cant complain too much! && I'm happy for that!

The Month of February...

Well its February...HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH!! We got played...giving us the shortest month out of the year, lol...but its all good. Valentines Day is next monday...who's excited??! lol Im not...Its one of those Taboo holidays...I mean dont get me wrong, I like it..but I never really did anything for the day... Can't lie, the perfect gift would be pink roses, a teddy, and an edible arrangement...of course Hello Kitty is PERFECT too... but anyways...Its another late night for me. I cant sleep. Which is usually the case. Just up thinking... I have the slightest idea how to move forward with my life...and Its so frustrating because life is too short to sit around waiting! But what can I do?? Cant find a job to save money to move...Cant go back to school, because I owe them so much. Ugh! Im stuck between a rock & a hard place, and it sucks! Because my circumstances are slowly killing me... oh what to do...what to do....

CRISIS!!

Going through such a crisis right now! I dont have the slightest idea what to do about school right now.. I want to go back so bad. But I owe my past university 6000...soo I cant go ANYWHERE right now because they wont allow me in without my transcripts. This sucks!! This was before I was ever able to get student loans, because my mama made too much, and she failed to pay off my account. I then was able to file independent, but I still can't go to school anywhere with that account like that, so Im stuck. IT SUCKS!!!

Well...

So I went out last night. It was ok. I danced a lot... Saw a lot of people I knew. I had a little fun.. But it wasnt all that. The only thing I kept thinking about was my ex.... I dont wanna care about him, I dont wanna think about him. The whole time, I was thinking, How come we can never have fun like this... Ya Know..just spend a night out on the town...out hanging out...food later...&& Wii. I wanted that from him soo bad, and NEVER got it :-( He never wanted to do anything fun with me hardly that I LIKED to do. Im so tired of thinking about him...It is physically draining. But I guess in time, I'll learn not to care. I must say though, I did look nice last night lol... But I wish I felt the way I looked.. :-/ Everytime I think about him, I get upset and want to call and cuss him out... EVERYTIME...wth would that solve though? He'd still be selfish, he'd still be the SAME man. Anyways...Its super bowl sunday... I was invited to two different parties. I have no desire to really go too...But we'll see how it goes...

......!!!!

I hate when people pretend to be the victim in situations... Are you kidding me? lol...I cant even lie Im mad again..but with a smile on my face. This nigga....talking about what have you did Tia to mess our relationship up...haha lemme be honest
I went on a weak ass date with somebody that I dont give two fucks about. && to be honest...It didnt even feel like a real ass date. We was at applebee's with my cousin Arie..chillin..and he paid... would that really be called a date??

Humm Lets see... I also way back in like 08' I invited a highschool friend to my apartment. He was my highschool crush. Umm he was there for like 20 minutes...Nothing happened.

I Text a few people...That I do. I mean, Im not going to lie...I have shared a few naked pics with my girlfriends...thats like the worse shit I have ever done to this kid. Its ridiculous. I called the police on him once...but what do you expect when you put your hands on me. I havent done anything to him!!! What an idiot. I dont even feel comfortable disclosing all the shit he has ever done to me...lol like on some real shit...He dont know how much I loved him. I was willing to put up with all his shit...and he still dont care...but its all good.... He is done after this last conversation.. If he doesnt care about my feelings, then he dont care about me...

Over & Done... :-)

Well I woke up today in a better mood. The sun is shining bright...washed & did my hair.. I feel better today. I however did wake up, hoping to see a message from my ex. There wasnt one. As I was washing my hair...it gave me time to reflect... I need to stop giving him so much power. I will never get over him and move on, if I keep on expecting things from him. Expecting him to change, expecting messages, expecting the love I desire...mainly from him. Its not fair to myself. I have to MOVE ON! He wanted to end it, so I need to let it be, and stop putting myself in these predicaments. I need to stop talking to him. I need to stop wishing, praying, and hoping that some shit will change. I need to move on, and let it go. For my own well-being. As hard as it will be, it'll be better for myself in the long run. I need to worry about me, since he is obviously worrying about himself. I need to realize I will be ok...I will make it.. and I am worth much more than feeling like this over a person who doesnt feel the same. I loved hard...and learned a lot from it... and Today I realized, I'll be ok...

In Time

Everyday I wake up, and pray and hope that I will fee better from the day before. Why does love make you feel this way. This is that BULLSHIT! When will I wake up, and not feel angry anymore... I'm mad at myself, I'm mad because he doesnt seem to give a shit, I'm just flat out mad. Then last night, my own mama didnt make me feel any better, putting her nose in business that she dont shit about. But you know what...once I am gone, I won't have to listen anymore! Boy let me tell...moving BACK home was the worst decision ever, and deciding to stay so long was the worst decision ever. I feel like I enabled his bullshit behavior by staying. Don't get me wrong, its not my fault...but I feel dumb because I let him get away with everything... I need to figure some shit out...like right now!! Because...this whole break-up shit is wearing me down. He know damn well this break-up was from him...Stop trying to pretend like its ME who needs relationship counseling....I know how to act if only you treated me friggin well...and stop cheating & shit! UGH!!!! IM SO MAD!!!!!!

On another Note... I need to figure out a way to make some money like now! Before I move. I can't go anywhere with out some funds...but I stay in the worst possible state ever, where employment is close to non-existent... It really sucks here... So on top of being screwed over by people I Love, I have been looking for a job for the past few months in a depressing ass state like Michigan.. I mean damn..If I gotta be broke, can I at least be broke by the beach...lol Then maybe I could at least have some fun while Im broke...SMH...I have family, and 1 friend in California. I wasnt close to the family there, and the friend there is a guy -__- I dont even want to put myself in a position like that right now! Cuz just being friends with men,is damn near impossible inless they are gay...so he is out of the question...lol ugh!! I pray & hope tomorrow I wake up, and feel better....

Peace, Love, & Blessings...

Tia Renia

Getting Over An Ex...

Perhaps nothing is ever quite as painful as getting over your first love. It's not just any old break-up; this is the boy/girl who taught you what it means to fall in love. You thought you'd spend the rest of your lives together. You made plans for the future to live together or go to college together. You have loads of jokes and memories of the time you spent together. Now that it's over, you're scared that you'll never find anyone to ever replace them, or maybe you're just afraid that you wont ever be as happy with someone else. Here are some tips to help you get over it.

My EX:

1.Cut off all communication with him!

HAS TO BE THE HARDEST STEP! IT FEELS LIKE I'M LOSING THE BEST FRIEND I HAVE EVER HAD. I KNOW THAT WE CANT BE FRIENDS...WHILE I AM TRYING TO GET OVER HIM. WHY DONT HE GET THAT??

2. Don't hook up with him!

THIS TIES INTO THE FIRST ONE! WHICH IS WHY I TOLD HIM...NO I WASNT GOING TO CHICAGO WITH YOU. ALL THAT WOULD DO IS MAKE ME MORE CONFUSED ABOUT THE SITUATION, AND I DONT HAVE TIME FOR THAT.

3. Recall why we broke up, and what it is that I hate about him.

HE KEPT ON CHEATING ON ME. I NEED TO STOP JUSTIFYING IT, AND REALIZE I CAN FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES ME AND WOULD NEVER BE UNFAITHFUL TO ME.

4. Realize that just because this relationship is over, it doesnt mean I'll never find love again.

I AM SURE THAT GETTING OVER HIM WILL BE HARD, BUT STATISTICS SAY I WILL DEFINITELY FIND A GREATER LOVE IN TIME.

5. Cry!

IT IS OK TO CRY TIA. I USUALLY FEEL KIND OF BETTER AFTER I DO.

6. Use this break-up to become the person I've always wanted to be!

ITS TIME FOR ME TO TAKE UP A NEW SKILL, FINISH SCHOOL, GET THAT PORTFOLIO DONE, PARTY!, AND MOVE TO CALIFORNIA...IF HE DIDNT WANT TO BE APART OF THAT, THEN IT WAS HIS FAULT, NOT MINE!!

7. Dont fill up the ipod with sad ass songs!

STOP LISTENING TO KEM OVER & OVER AGAIN!! LOL

8. Do anything I can to make myself "feel" desirable.

ALWAYS WANTED TO GET PROFESSIONALLY MADE UP. GET MY HAIR DID, START DRESSING UP MORE..AND ENJOY BEING BEAUTIFUL AGAIN..

9. Endure the pain & loneliness bravely!

WITH TIME, MY PAIN WILL HEAL.. I AM A STRONG PERSON..SO I WILL NOT LET THIS TAKE ME DOWN.

Always remember that you're better off without him/her because someone who you thought loved you who leaves isn't worth your tears or pain... "Never cry for someone that will never cry for you."

OOk...Whats done is done. I personally feel like he made his bed...Now he must lay in it. I gave he so many opportunities to do right by me, and not once did her ever...do just that. That isnt love, and I have to get that through my head. He hurt me because he blatantly didnt have any respect for me period. Right now...I cant lie I am very angry still at this moment. I can't even began to describe how I feel, and I am taking it out on everything & everybody. I dont want to do that anymore. I am beautiful person, who has a beautiful soul... and deep in my heart I know I am a good person. I just got the bad end of the deal. He was a serial cheater... He cheated multiple times, which meant he didnt give a fuck about my feelings, he didnt give a fuck about how I would feel, he flat out didnt give two fucks about me period. He didnt. Plus he lies about everything. So no...He doesnt deserve to be with me. He doesnt deserve me at all. I personally think, he may need to help, because thats some downright grimey ass, heartless shit. But ya know what.. in time...I will be over him. I will love hard again, and I will happy in a relationship so much more fulfilling than the one I just got out of. HIS LOST!