Why I'snt it The Same..?

Its hard not to compare how different people treat each other... I'm not saying no one is perfect but when my teacher, who happens to be white talks, about her husband and the things he does for her, it doesn't compare to anything I have ever heard from the way a black man treats his woman... Why don't black men open the car doors for us? Why don't they take care of the household the same ways? Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about every black man in the world, but majority of them don't do what they are suppose to do. I have seen way too many black marriages, and they all seem so damn pointless. Why would I want to put myself in that situation? It boils down to the small things... How many black men would give their last to the household, and woman? Not too many I know... And they want us to treat them like Kings, and cook and clean... Oh I do not think so. No I am not giving up on black men, because ain't nothing sexier than a well put together black man... Unfortunately they come few and far between... I mean seriously... You get a hood nigga who might be able to spoil you, but look at the life you living... Who wants to risk their life for a few new pairs of heels... You get these college men, who can't keep their dicks in their pants... The Cycle continues... White men cheat... But not nearly as much as black men. Why is that? I have a son... How do I change that cycle within him? HOW?! There is no way in hell I want my son to grow up and treat a woman the way I have been treated. I'm just saying... You should see the way my teacher lights up when she speaks of her husband.... and its sad that I do not see that same glow in a lot of black women's faces as well....

Depression

Symptoms of depression in women include:

• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
• loss of interest or pleasure in activities, including sex
• restlessness, irritability, or excessive crying
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, pessimism
• sleeping too much or too little, early-morning awakening
• appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
• decreased energy, fatigue, feeling "slowed down"
• thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
• difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
• persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

Every symptom listed is something I struggle with day to day. I feel so alone in this world. It makes it that much worse that I constantly have to deal with huge life let-downs. I hurt all over, and nobody see's it. I have nobody to talk too about how I feel. I stay in my apartment day in, day out with my infant son and every single day I see myself get worse and worse. There is no point in talking to Jesse....He just doesnt get it! He expects me to be normal. He expects me to cook, clean, go to school. go to work do everything as if I don't feel like dying every single day. He makes me feel worse.... Emotionally he just isnt there because he doesnt understand..... And on top of that he expects me to deal with what he has put me through the past 6-7 months.

Aside from that I feel like a bad mama. I cry in front of my son all the time... I love him so much but the way I feel everyday affects everything about me.I am so tempted to just leave today. LEAVE. I am sick of waking up feeling like this without an avenue to go down. Im stuck in a city with no family, no friends...no body here for me that I can trust to help me until I am able to get it together. I have been struggling since 2008. Since then, none of the things that were important to me became important anymore. I just stopped caring. Completely stopped. Home alone, and just done...

It's been Awhile

I can't even begin to fill in what's wrong with my life. I have a beautiful son. He truly has my heart ❤. But I feel extremely dead inside. I hate who I am. Absolutely HATE. There is not one damn thing I can do to change it. I'm so trapped. I'm up crying right now, and having a drink. I'm always crying. I hate who Tia has become. I have so much vengeance, resentment, anger, bitterness, sadness, regret etc in my heart. I don't want these things in my heart. HATE.... I live for my son because if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't care to be here....that's just how much pain I'm in right now.

A Woman Scorned...

It has been almost five years and to no avail, we are in the same position. I am fed up. I want peace of mind. I want to smile. I want to be happy. I want to trust. I want to love whole-heartedly. I want to be with a man I'm damn near about to marry. I'm ready for that. I do not want to date. But when is enough, enough?? I am overly tired of feeling like this. And the bad part about it, is that he doesnt even seem to care all that much anymore. If you are a royal screw-up, and you claim to love someone wouldn't you at least want to give them piece of mind? Instead of always coming up with some excuse as to why you are a dawg. I hurt so much. Its not fair. I do not feel like I use too. How can I? There is no way in hell I can trust. NONE... The only thing that keeps coming to mind is all the "I told You So's" All the shit people use to say at CMU. Then he has the nerve to say he cant stand me lol That's funny. Because our relationship wouldn't be fucked up if it wasn't for you. I bet he is going to get pissed because I typed in my blog that nobody ever fucking reads anyways. Its not like I can talk to him. He is like talking to a brick wall. He doesn't listen. or care to listen...or change...so I am not about to overly care to love. Especially after my heart has been broken over a dozen times. He doesn't care. Being an asshole and everything else is more important. I hurt so bad. I need strength to get me out the situation. Love keeps me here, uncertainty..a whole heap of other mess. :-( Why do men think "I'm Sorry" is enough. He does. I haven't seen him yet even attempt to turn it around.. or make it up to me. psssh... So fuck it. You don't care about my feelings, my emotional, mental state. Then you don't give a fuck about me. :-(

The Weight of the World...

It is surely on my shoulders right now. Everything that use to make me comfortable in my life, has come crashing down, and I am seriously struggling within myself. I do not know how to be happy anymore. I trust not one person in my life. I honestly mean that too. As sad as that sounds. It hurts to be thrown into something I am NOT comfortable with, and not have one sole understand why I'm so moody. I honestly could benefit from being by myself...secluded somewhere...but like everything else.. I don't even have that option. I'm here with Jesse, and that way I feel, and the way I act obviously doesn't sit well with him. But I feel like my life is in shambles, and I don't have a sole to trust...so why would I walk around sporting a fake smile.. I'm burnt out. I carry every body Else's issues on my shoulders as well as my own. I'm self conscious about the way I look, my relationships, just about everything In my life. I need to figure things out because I am slowly dying inside...

Friday night :-(

Another wasted Friday night. Oh Lord what has my life come too. My day started off pretty damn good if I might say. I didn't sleep worth shit, but i seem to never do. I had a nightmare last night, and I am embarrassed to even say what it was about. No it wasn't about a monster either lol It had a lot to do with my relationship. I don't feel like talking about it right now though. 

Guess what I got another Job at Kohl's. I feel like I should be so happy about it, but I'm not. I'm just not happy with my life right now. AT ALL. I feel dead inside. Absolutely dead...

I seriously need a vacation or some shit. Something to escape the real world for a few days. Literally for almost a month that I have been in Muskegon, I wanted to cry almost everyday. Jesse & I are suppose to be getting a place within the next few weeks. I should be excited as fuck. I'm way more scared than I am excited. There are soo many unresolved issues in our relationship its not even funny. Everyday its a constant struggle to keep it afloat, and not to add on to the fact that we ARE SO DIFFERENT NOW. Some of our idea's and stuff are way different from one another... So I think we are going to end up bored with each other and that scares me. I feel like I haven't done anything fun in forever!! Don't get me wrong, I LOVE going out to eat. If I could I would everyday, lol but there is just SOMETHING missing. Not mention... these early ass bed times...and he just doesn't get me anymore. I am so unsure of myself right now, and I don't know how he doesn't see that. I sometimes feel lonely, and he is laying right next to me... except the other night. I laid and cried on his chest, and I felt what I haven't felt in a VERY LONG TIME. It felt good inside... I felt good, warm and tingly... and I remembered why I was in love with him. I use to feel that way everyday.... ooh if only I could feel it every second of my life. I don't know how to explain it... I felt....VULNERABLE with him again. I feel sooo closed off...and so DIFFERENT from him lately...and that night I felt vulnerable again. I'm smiling just thinking about it. Then reality hits me again.. I'm up on my Blog while he is across the bed sleep as usual. I have been pissed off and in a bad mood since he got home from work. I sat here all day waiting and wishing he would come home sooner. I put on a nice dress, because he said we were going to finish celebrating, I did my make-up really good. I was genuinely excited for him to come home, and spend the rest of the evening with him. and The first fucking thing he said when he got here was bitching because I had forgot to go get some tissue earlier. (I genuinely forgot and wasn't thinking about it) The only thing he had to say was "You don't listen to me! You need to go downstairs and find me some tissue!" Not once did he even look and say Tia you look pretty or anything like that. He didn't say anything til LATER and the 1st thing out of his mouth was about a damn thong... -__- Like what is it with men... & Then have the nerve to get pissy whenever a dude comments my pics on fb, and I say thank you. I am the type of woman that needs constant validation from him, especially after his history of poor choices. That pissed me OFF!! For the rest of the night...So here we are...he is asleep. I'm sitting here venting on the computer. I cant never talk to him about the way I feel, because he never just sits and listens. EVER. To make a long story short, no we didn't celebrate. As soon as we got home from B-Dubs, he took his clothes off, and got on the computer, so I did the same, and got some Music Therapy.  Same stuff different night. Never any romance, candles, and music anymore... Just argue sleep sex... That little stuff counts ya know... Guess I'll go ahead and try to slip into fantasy land til morning. Until next time!

Peace, Love, & Blessings

Tia Renia...

:-(

I'm laying in bed... And the only thing I really feel like doing right now is climbing out the got damn window and jumping. I am sick of people telling me shii will be ok because all they are doing is lying. I'm in a relationship that hasn't worked in the 4 & half years I've been in it. I have a family who really doesn't exist... I'm basically homeless... I'm dead broke... Teeth falling out my head... And trust me the list could go on and on. Every year it is something new. Every week I have SOME NEW BATTLE. I am sick of it. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and I truly don't know how to fix it. I'm laying here crying, lonely, and downright depressed and nobody not even jesses ass who is laying right next to me truly understand how I feel. (2 be honest I don't think he cares deep down) I put on a front for my friends because I'm always the one who everybody comes too. I'm the one who always seems so strong. Who always seems to have it together and deep down I envy them the most. I never see or hear about them struggling the way I do or facing the issues I do. I'm just tired. I feel like running out this house and walking until I fall out somewhere... I'm feel trapped in my own body. Trapped in my mind. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a fucking room full of people screaming and nobody even fucking notices. I'm sitting here wonderIng if I died today who would truly miss me??? Like seriously. Miserable doesn't even began to cover the way I feel inside. I pray to God eerynight to come into my heart. Please I just want to know you are there. And I never get a word. I feel downright hopeless fake abused misused battered let down hurt sad depressed and everything else. God save me please because I'm drowning in myself and I need to feel you there....