Friday night :-(

Another wasted Friday night. Oh Lord what has my life come too. My day started off pretty damn good if I might say. I didn't sleep worth shit, but i seem to never do. I had a nightmare last night, and I am embarrassed to even say what it was about. No it wasn't about a monster either lol It had a lot to do with my relationship. I don't feel like talking about it right now though. 

Guess what I got another Job at Kohl's. I feel like I should be so happy about it, but I'm not. I'm just not happy with my life right now. AT ALL. I feel dead inside. Absolutely dead...

I seriously need a vacation or some shit. Something to escape the real world for a few days. Literally for almost a month that I have been in Muskegon, I wanted to cry almost everyday. Jesse & I are suppose to be getting a place within the next few weeks. I should be excited as fuck. I'm way more scared than I am excited. There are soo many unresolved issues in our relationship its not even funny. Everyday its a constant struggle to keep it afloat, and not to add on to the fact that we ARE SO DIFFERENT NOW. Some of our idea's and stuff are way different from one another... So I think we are going to end up bored with each other and that scares me. I feel like I haven't done anything fun in forever!! Don't get me wrong, I LOVE going out to eat. If I could I would everyday, lol but there is just SOMETHING missing. Not mention... these early ass bed times...and he just doesn't get me anymore. I am so unsure of myself right now, and I don't know how he doesn't see that. I sometimes feel lonely, and he is laying right next to me... except the other night. I laid and cried on his chest, and I felt what I haven't felt in a VERY LONG TIME. It felt good inside... I felt good, warm and tingly... and I remembered why I was in love with him. I use to feel that way everyday.... ooh if only I could feel it every second of my life. I don't know how to explain it... I felt....VULNERABLE with him again. I feel sooo closed off...and so DIFFERENT from him lately...and that night I felt vulnerable again. I'm smiling just thinking about it. Then reality hits me again.. I'm up on my Blog while he is across the bed sleep as usual. I have been pissed off and in a bad mood since he got home from work. I sat here all day waiting and wishing he would come home sooner. I put on a nice dress, because he said we were going to finish celebrating, I did my make-up really good. I was genuinely excited for him to come home, and spend the rest of the evening with him. and The first fucking thing he said when he got here was bitching because I had forgot to go get some tissue earlier. (I genuinely forgot and wasn't thinking about it) The only thing he had to say was "You don't listen to me! You need to go downstairs and find me some tissue!" Not once did he even look and say Tia you look pretty or anything like that. He didn't say anything til LATER and the 1st thing out of his mouth was about a damn thong... -__- Like what is it with men... & Then have the nerve to get pissy whenever a dude comments my pics on fb, and I say thank you. I am the type of woman that needs constant validation from him, especially after his history of poor choices. That pissed me OFF!! For the rest of the night...So here we are...he is asleep. I'm sitting here venting on the computer. I cant never talk to him about the way I feel, because he never just sits and listens. EVER. To make a long story short, no we didn't celebrate. As soon as we got home from B-Dubs, he took his clothes off, and got on the computer, so I did the same, and got some Music Therapy.  Same stuff different night. Never any romance, candles, and music anymore... Just argue sleep sex... That little stuff counts ya know... Guess I'll go ahead and try to slip into fantasy land til morning. Until next time!

Peace, Love, & Blessings

Tia Renia...